Words by Luba Lubinskaia
My whole life I was searching for happiness. I hoped that happiness could fill the empty space in my heart. I hoped that I would get this happiness from other people. People that I loved. But that never happened. I was always unhappy. Unhappy with myself.
I grew up in a huge chaos. No family, no home, no safety.
When I was 3 I almost died because I was born in Moldawia and there was a civil war at that time. My mother married a man from germany and we moved here when I was 5.
He was a drinker, a psycho and violent. We had to move almost every year, because he was loosing all his jobs. Meanwhile he hits my mother every day. The reason why he was doing that, is me, he said. In the most important moments of my young life I was always told that I am a piece of shit, that my mum is only in pain because of me, that I am not worth it to be loved. From a very young age I understood that grown ups are bad. They are pretending to see nothing, even if it is right in front of their eyes.
Until I was 13 she didn´t leave him. I was just so tired of living and hoping. I thought, sooner or later, he is going to kill us.
But as tired as I was, I couldn’t stop fighting. I was very good at school and was always creative. I had a bunch of good friends, who all had problems at home. Somehow I lived my live.
At the age of 13 he finally tried to rape me. In a very similar way…. he wanted that I believe it was my idea. But I said NO! And told my mother.
She finally kicked him out……my life had begun.
Until I was 22 I struggled a LOT. I never had money, was always partying. I have had bad bad boyfriends, starting with the first love of my live. Total disaster!
I could be so so happy when I was together with my friends or doing art. But beside that I was sad. All my life I am sad. I have this huge hate against myself, I have nightmares, I am very afraid of being left alone…always. But I always had HOPE. I knew that my life is going to be a amazing ride, after I survived all those horrible moments. Although I am kind of weak, I always was STRONG. I was always able to be there for others and give them love and support. I managed my acting studies , fell in love and moved on.
But then I came to an important point.
2012 I had very bad depression. I was almost done but I couldn’t finish my acting school. I took a break of 6 months, to go to a therapist and after this 6 months I tried again to finish. I failed again…..my depression just came right back. So I stopped. ( afterwards they fucked me… I have to pay over 2000 Euro for a school year I never took. They had been my family and now they are stealing the money I need for food.)
There have been two options for me:
1. To stay in Munich, without money, without a home and without any future for myself as an artist.
2. Move to Berlin and save myself from depression….. START a new life…..leaving those bad memories behind.
2013 I moved to Berlin. It took 2 years to finally settle down.
BUT I MADE IT!
I have my first real home, where I feel comfortable within the environment and the people. I can spend my time in nature.
Of course it is still not “easy“ when it comes to money, but I don’t care too much anymore. I have all I need, I am a the best human I can be at the moment.
So now, I am in the woods for hours, doing yoga and meditation and am no longer afraid. Yoga helps me a lot with my body issues and I can finally get into meditation. That is maybe the most helpful, because my mind is ALWAYS talking to me and my body is weak.
My mind and my heart are open and for the first time in my life I feel PEACE. Of course there are still depressions, and nightmares and fear. But they aren’t stronger than me anymore.
I realized that without my inner peace, living cannot make me happy. It is not about being happy all the time. It is about loving yourself, respecting mother earth and helping others.
My INFINITE LOVE for the planet, art and people, that is what makes me strong. And I am so grateful to myself, that my LOVE was stronger than my HATE.